


Fumble

by DhampirsDrinkEspresso



Series: Field Goal [2]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Addiction, Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo Still Has Anger Issues, Binge Drinking, Cheating, Choking, College Football, Depression, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, F/F, F/M, Field Goal is Reylo HEA Endgame, Frat Parties, Fumble is NOT HEA, Fumble is Reylo, Grief/Mourning, Groping, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Long-Distance Relationship, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Manipulation, Minor Violence, Morning Sickness, Non-Consensual Groping, Non-Consensual Touching, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Character Death, Past Drug Use, Past Rape/Non-con, Pregnancy, Previous character death mentioned, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rating May Change, References to Depression, The Ben/Kaydel Pairing is Sort of but Not Really, Unplanned Pregnancy, Unsafe Sex, Vomiting, mentions of vomiting, references to death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:42:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25148647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DhampirsDrinkEspresso/pseuds/DhampirsDrinkEspresso
Summary: For two years, Rey Erso-Andor has gone to great effort to ignore and avoid Ben Solo, but when she and her roommate Rose visit friends at another university for a weekend party, she has to face him again. When she does, she is reminded that there has always been more to him than he let on.
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Rose Tico, Kaydel Ko Connix/Ben Solo, Kylo Ren/Rey, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: Field Goal [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1817779
Comments: 29
Kudos: 91





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel to Scrimmage
> 
> Again, please see tags. No new character deaths, but the loss of the previous story is important here as well and will be discussed/referred to. 
> 
> As for the non-con, it's groping and a torn article of clothing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armitage invites Rey and her roommate Rose to visit for the weekend. Ben Solo lives directly across the hall. So much for avoiding him this time.
> 
> _He pulled back, stretching gingerly from the uncomfortable angle he’d bent at, and gave her a look she couldn’t quite decipher.  
>  Appraising. Curious. Dark.  
> Then he grinned. “I was too messed up to notice last time, but you kiss like Poe Dameron.”  
> She blinked at him as the words sank in. “It makes sense. He was my first boyfriend and—wait…how do you know how Poe kisses?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Mild non-con (groping)

“Why, though? You don’t even _like_ parties!”

Rey was whinging. She knew it. Didn’t care, but she _knew_.

“It’s a part of the university experience,” Armitage insisted. “Besides, I haven’t seen you in two months AND you were just complaining to me two days ago that you needed to _let off some steam_. If you come for the weekend I get to see my bratty friend-slash-honorary cousin, you get to relax, and I don’t have to worry about you because I can check on you periodically.” She started to protest, and he cut her off, hurrying to add, “I promise not to hover.”

She grumbled but couldn’t really argue. He rolled his eyes and sighed. She knew, even though she couldn’t see him. He always rolled his eyes when he made that particular exasperated sound.

“So, I’ll expect you Friday afternoon. Bring Rose. The two of you can have my room and I shall make the great sacrifice and bunk with Poe, assuming he’s even here.” Rey smirked. He might genuinely be missing her, but she suspected her best friend was harboring a bit of a crush on her bubbly roommate.

“Is…” She stopped, not finishing the question, but Armitage knew her well enough to know what she wasn’t asking.

“Solo usually stays in his room on party nights. He might come out for a drink, but usually not even that.” Armitage paused, weighing his words carefully and his tone cautious as he spoke again. “Solo doesn’t party anymore, Rey. He’s become rather anti-social the last two years. I doubt you’ll even see him.”

He’d been wrong. Or possibly lying “for her own good”—that would actually make sense. He thought she needed to get over her aversion to _anything_ related to Ben Solo or evidence of his continued existence.

All things considered, it shouldn’t have come as a shock when it was Ben who answered the door of the ‘First Order’ house when she knocked, smirking down at her as he lounged in the doorway, effectively blocking their entry to the house. “I think you might have the wrong house, _Andor_.”

“ _Erso-_ Andor,” she ground out through clenched teeth, hackles instantly raised. Before she could speak further, Rose popped out from behind her, holding out her right hand in greeting and shoving her duffel bag into Ben’s gut with her left.

“Hi! I’m Rose! Rey’s roommate! You must be Ben, Armie told me all about you, although you don’t seem near as likely to bite as he implied. You’re barely scary at all, just a big puppy in need of a cuddle, a Great Dane maybe. Oh, I can call you Scooby. Can you help with my bag? Thanks so much!”

Ben made an “oof” sound and found himself being practically manhandled out of the way by the tiny spitfire of a woman who had to be at least a foot shorter than him. He took the bag and looked around helplessly as Rose stepped inside and made herself at home.

Rey followed Rose inside, the shorter girl still chattering away. She hitched her own bag higher on her shoulder and shook her head. Leave it to Rose.

Armitage appeared at the top of the stairs, breaking into a rare smile when he saw them. “Ah, my impish angels, welcome to this, our den of iniquity.” Rose cackled and Rey didn’t miss the inordinately pleased look on his face. Between that and the way Rose had been asking very pointed questions about him for the entire drive, Rey suspected _she_ might be the one bunking with Poe for the weekend (and wouldn’t _that_ be awkward).

Ben pushed past Armitage on the stairs, not even pausing as he shoved Rose’s duffel into the other man’s arms. The sound of his door slamming reverberated through the (mostly quiet) house.

“Point to Rose,” Rey said, meeting Armie at the foot of the stairs for a hug.

Rose insisted on dressing Rey for the evening. Apparently, she had gone so far as to dig through Rey’s closet and dresser drawers as well as borrowing a few things from her older sister Paige who was closer to Rey’s height and not quite as curvy as Rose.

Rey adamantly refused the skirt and dress options Rose initially suggested, absolutely sure she would be flashing her knickers every time she moved. She also vetoed the dangerously spiky heels, which was how she ended up in black pants tight enough they may as well have been body paint, and per Rose she was ‘not allowed anything underneath.’ The trousers were tucked into a pair of flat soled boots and Rose had produced a drapey, shiny, ivory tank top with jeweled spaghetti straps from the depths of her bag (Rey made a mental note to have Rose teach her how to pack so very much in such a small bag—it defied the laws of physics).

The outfit wasn’t something she normally would have picked, and the look on Rose’s face suggested this had been the plan all along and the other options were offered knowing Rey would refuse them.

For herself, Rose had chosen a flirty little dress that swished around her thighs and a pair of heels that made her seem almost Rey’s height.

By the time Rose finished with her hair and make-up, Rey could already hear several voices and the walls were vibrating with the bass in the music.

“Shall we make our grand entrance?” Rose asked, linking her arm through Rey’s. Rey just laughed and nodded, grateful as always to have been assigned as Rose’s roommate. Rose grabbed the doorknob then paused, giving Rey a look that brooked no argument. “You will finish at least one alcoholic beverage and dance with a minimum of 3 people who are NOT Armitage, Poe, or me before you are allowed to claim you’re tired and heading to bed so that you can hide out in Armie’s room and do homework.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Rey said, offering a mocking salute.

Rose laughed as she opened the door and urged Rey through first. Rey paused at the top of the stairs, taking in the crowd already in the living room. She gave a yelp of surprise when Rose swatted her bum before linking their arms again. “Move it, Ms. Erso-Andor! The liquor’s not going to come to you.”

Rey was still laughing when they met Armitage at the foot of the stairs, waiting for them with a red plastic cup in each hand. “Ladies, assuming you trust me to do so, I took the liberty of pouring you both a drink.” Rey took her cup and studied it, trying to decide exactly what color the liquid inside was _supposed_ to be, and whether the disgusting greenish brown hue had been intentional. Rose took a long swallow, smacked her lips, and pronounced it terrible. “Quite,” Armitage agreed. “First Order Dumpster Punch. Bloody awful but it will have you on your arse if you aren’t careful.” He leaned in closer, adding conspiratorially, “I have the good stuff in my room.” Rey left her roommate and her best friend to their flirting, finding a slightly less crowded corner near the kitchen doorway and leaning against the wall as she pretended to sip at her drink. Rose was still glancing her way every few minutes, so she wouldn’t be able to get away with pouring it out yet.

“Oh, God, please don’t drink that.” Rey turned at the voice. She didn’t know him, but the blond man was smiling pleasantly as he gestured to her cup. “It’ll melt your esophagus.”

“Thanks for the warning.” She turned back to watching the room.

“I’ll trade you.” She glanced back. He was holding an uncapped beer bottle out to her.

“I don’t think so, thanks anyway.” He shrugged and turned the bottle up before walking away to chat up a leggy blonde on the far side of the room.

She watched idly as a few people spilled into the center of the living room to dance, smiling when Rose dragged Armitage out to the center of the crowd and began rubbing against him like a cat. By the look on his face, Rey was _definitely_ going to be the one bunking with Poe for the night. She wondered if she should go grab the small drawstring backpack she’d brought as an overnight bag now, before they forgot themselves and locked her out. She loved them both dearly, but she did NOT want to _interrupt_ anything they might be doing in private later.

The front door opened, and she glanced up then did a double take. “Finn?”

“Rey! Oh, hey.” She hadn’t seen her brother in _weeks,_ and she hurried forward for a hug before she realized he was _holding hands_ with Poe Dameron.

“Rey. I uh, I didn’t know you’d be here this weekend,” Poe said, shuffling nervously and twitching his hand as if he were trying to pull away from Finn. Finn, who was frozen in wide eyed terror. She studied them both for a moment, took a sip of her drink, then made a face. “Can I have that?” Poe asked and she handed it over gladly, mildly horrified when he practically drained it in one go.

“So, I guess Poe is the _new someone_ you met?”

Finn nodded mutely.

“I see…well, I guess I need to find a new place to sleep tonight,” she said, gesturing to the dance floor where Rose and Armitage were apparently checking one another for cavities via their tongues. Poe gaped at them and then finished Rey’s drink.

“Uh, I can uh, I’ll sleep in here on the couch. You and Finn can—”

“Poe, really, it’s fine. I’m actually really happy for you both. I think this has been a very long time coming.” Surprisingly enough, it was true. Poe had been out for over a year. She was surprised and a little hurt he and Finn hadn’t told her they were together, but the entire situation was awkward. From a logical standpoint, she could understand why they had waited.

“Told you.”

She glanced over her shoulder, finding Ben Solo a few feet behind her, leaning casually against the wall—lounging, almost—with a couple of longnecks between the fingers of one hand and looking at Poe over her shoulder.

“Wha-?”

Solo shook his head at Poe’s confusion. “I told you she could handle it and you should have told her.” He turned his attention to Rey. “You look like you could use this more than me.” He did something with one of the bottles against the kitchen doorway and the cap flipped off with a hiss before he held it out in offering.

“Thanks,” she managed, a little confused by the gesture.

“You, uh, may want to get anything you need for the night out of Hux’s room now, while you have the chance,” he said, nodding at the far corner.

She looked and then turned away quickly. “Oh, God, I did not need to see that.”

He laughed. Genuinely. With a real smile.

Whatever the weird feeling that zinged through her gut was, it was _not_ a thrill at getting Ben Solo’s approval.

Rey eased past him, hurrying up the stairs to grab her things. Armitage and Rose were halfway up the stairs when she came back out, and Solo was across the hall, leaning against his door. “You can throw it in here, if you want, until you figure out what you’re doing tonight.”

She nodded, deciding to take his behavior as a peace offering. He opened the door for her and stepped back as she took a few steps into the room and dropped her bag on the floor at the foot of his bed before going back downstairs, idly sipping on her beer as she walked through the house.

She was in the mood to dance now. Maybe the activity would help her work out some of her frustrations at the entire situation.

Poe and Finn pulled her out to dance with them, joining the increasing crush of bodies in the center of the room. No one seemed to be dancing with anyone specific, just all moving with the music, surrounded by the energy of everyone else around them. There were definitely more than three people here, and she idly wondered if that would count as Rose’s requirement. Not that she was ready to leave yet.

From the corner of her eye, she caught a glimpse of Poe and Finn moving down the hallway to Poe’s room, one of only two bedrooms on the first floor. She smiled in spite of herself and shook her head. Despite his claims otherwise, her brother had been head over heels for Poe Dameron since he was fifteen, and now it looked like those feelings were mutual.

She felt a hand land on her hip and turned to find the guy from earlier in the evening. She gave him a tight smile and moved a step away. _Dance with me,_ he mouthed.

 _We are dancing,_ she mouthed back, knowing there was no point in trying to make herself heard over the music.

She felt him slide a hand around her waist, still keeping a polite distance between their bodies. That wasn’t so bad, so she didn’t protest. The first time his hand slipped down, she could assume it was an accident, that someone jostled him or that it was a random muscle spasm, something. The second time she grabbed his wrist and pulled his hand away before she stepped away, shaking her head and easing her way out of the crowd. Unfortunately, he followed, cornering her near the stairs and squeezing her backside with both hands. She jerked away, trying to decide whether to go up the stairs or down the hall to bang on Poe’s door. Instinct screamed upstairs was safer.

She made it 2 steps when he grabbed at her shirt, managing to make her lose her balance and fall back against him, the sound of tearing fabric echoing in her ears as the strap on the tank top ripped away, leaving her practically bare from the waist up. Rey grabbed at the fabric, holding it over her breasts as she jerked out of his hold.

Well, as she was jerked out of his hold, one large, muscular arm curling around her waist as another grabbed the blond man by the neck. She stared up, wide-eyed, as Ben Solo pulled her in against his side and glared at Mr. ‘Please don’t drink that.’

“Now that ain’t no way to treat a lady,” he said, his normally slightly accented drawl the most pronounced she’d ever heard it, and she could see his hand squeeze a bit. “You should apologize,” he said, voice low and dangerous, and she flashed back to high school and hearing him use the same tone on Mitaka.

The blond made a gurgling sound and scrabbled at Ben’s hand for a second before he was suddenly released. “S…sorry…I’m sorry…” he babbled between great, heaving breaths.

“Now, I suggest you go back to your house and think _real_ hard about your courtship methods.”

Mr. ‘Please don’t drink that’ was gone before Ben finished speaking.

As the screen door slammed shut behind him, Ben looked down at her, eyes still dark and dangerous. “You okay?”

She nodded up at him, trapped in that gaze. He released his hold on her and stripped off the faded flannel he had on over a plain white t-shirt, draping the soft fabric over her shoulders. “I fucking hate party nights,” he muttered, turning to head up the stairs, pausing once to glance back. She wasn’t sure if he was checking to see if she followed or to make sure that she didn’t, but Rey was suddenly 100% certain that whatever room Ben Solo was in would be the absolute safest in the building.

An image of his big hand on Mr. ‘Please don’t drink that’s’ neck flashed through her mind, followed by one of scabbed and bruised knuckles on a slightly slimmer version of the same hand. Yes, safest…at least for her.

She glanced back at the living room once. No one else seemed to have even noticed the events of the last few minutes, the party still in full swing. Rey hurried up the stairs, clutching his shirt tightly around her as she caught up to him at his door. He stared a moment, considering, then opened the door and gestured her through it first.

“Bathroom’s through there,” he said, gesturing to a door between his bed and the desk. Right, she’d forgotten he and Armitage had the only private en suites in the frat house. It was part of why she had always been fine staying with Armitage when she came to visit. He was a clean freak and the bathroom was always spotless. As she grabbed her bag and opened the door, she was relieved to see Ben’s bathroom was just as clean. She had been a little concerned after seeing the state of his room. It wasn’t dirty, by any means, but definitely cluttered as if he had more things than storage space and couldn’t always be bothered to store all the belongings that he _did_ have the space for. She could understand that, though. Rey’s clean laundry tended to stay neatly folded in the basket at the foot of her bed, and her books were usually piled haphazardly on her desk rather than being properly shelved.

Rey hung the flannel on a hook behind the door and opened her bag. She dug in for the shirt and shorts she had packed to sleep in, groaning as she realized the shorts were there, but she had somehow managed to miss the shirt. Normally she would just raid Armitage’s dresser or closet but that wasn’t an option. With a sigh, she stuck her arms into the sleeves of the flannel and did up a few buttons before opening the bathroom door enough to poke her head out.

“Ah, Sol— _Ben—_ sorry to be more trouble but I seem to have missed my sleep shirt when I was packing, do you suppose I could borrow a t-shirt?”

He didn’t answer, just walked to the dresser tucked into the corner beside his desk and opened the second drawer, coming out with a white one as well as a faded black. He looked down at them, glanced at her, looked back at the shirts he was holding, and tossed her the black one, dropping the white one back in the drawer. She nodded her thanks and closed the door again, flushing a bit as she realized the white material would have been practically see through.

Dressed in the soft cotton shorts and Ben’s shirt, she washed her face and pulled her hair up into a messy bun before turning and placing her hand on the doorknob, pausing to glance at the flannel. Why not, she thought, dropping her bag on top of the laundry hamper long enough to slip her arms into the long sleeves again before reclaiming her belongings and stepping out into the room.

“Thanks for the shirt…shirts, I suppose, and for the rescue,” she said softly, pausing before tacking on, “again.”

He nodded, staring at her from where he was leaning back against the door. He seemed to be waiting for something else, but she wasn’t sure what, then he shook his head and the moment was gone. “Do, ah, do you need anything? Food? Drink?”

Rey licked her lips, suddenly feeling parched. “Water wouldn’t be amiss.” He nodded, leaning down to what she realized was a minifridge tucked into the corner by the door, a few dishes and some more waters and sodas stacked on top. He pulled out two bottles, replacing them with two from on top, then crossed the room to hand her one, cracking the other open for himself.

“You…ah, you can stay here, for the night. I’ll go…somewhere. There’s a coffee shop where I study sometimes when I can’t sleep on party nights.”

The idea of him leaving her, of being alone, sent a flutter of anxiety through her chest. “Ben, I…if you don’t mind, I’d rather not be alone…not just yet.”

He nodded and seemed to relax a bit, moving to sit on the edge of his bed when she claimed his desk chair, sitting with her legs crisscrossed she drank her water and nervously picked at the label. She didn’t look up as she spoke. “I, ah, I never apologized, for attacking you that day, and I should.” She looked up then, finding him watching her with an inscrutable expression. “I am, you know, I am sorry. I was angry and hurt but that was…well, you didn’t deserve that.”

He huffed out a bitter laugh. “Yeah, I did. I deserved that and more.” He finished off his water and crushed the bottle in his hand a few times before tossing it in the general direction of what she assumed was a recycling bin. “I’m the one who should apologize. God, I could have stopped so much….I didn’t have anything to do with it, the girl of the week thing or Mitaka and Pryde’s little smear campaign against your Mom, but…I knew and I didn’t say anything, didn’t do anything to stop it, and the ones who got hurt…your family, Jessika, who knows how many other girls…I’m just as responsible because I didn’t say anything.”

“I’ve always wondered about that. Finn and Poe told me you made the first anonymous report, and the way you went after Mitaka when he…well…why didn’t you say anything?”

He sighed, leaning back on his hands. “That thing Mitaka said, about _refreshments_ …the thing is, you know my mom was a Senator then, right? Well, my dad’s career was…less reputable.” She watched him, waiting patiently, sensing he wasn’t done, and that this was hard for him. “He was a smuggler, got involved in drug trafficking before I was born, and he supposedly got out of it when he married my mom, but he was still doing it sometimes, at least until I was in middle school. These long trips with little to no notice and no contact while he was gone. Refreshments was a code word. They fought about it all the time. I think he was being blackmailed or getting some kind of threats against me or Mom, maybe, to keep him involved. Anyway, Mitaka knew, maybe from Pryde, I don’t know. But I…I didn’t think I could risk it. Mom was up for re-election and I didn’t really care about that so much, and we aren’t exactly close, but…she’s still my mom, you know? I backed down because I was afraid.”

Rey nodded, thinking hard. It made sense. She understood the desperate need for connection and approval, the desire to protect what you love at all costs. “I can’t say I would have done any different, if our positions were reversed.”

He snorted at that, rolling his eyes. “You would. You always do the right thing, it’s just the kind of person you are.”

Rey took the final sip of her water. “You really don’t know me at all. Sometimes it’s just about survival. I’ve broken laws, stolen things and broken into places, just trying to stay alive, or to keep other people that way, before Mum found me.”

“See, that’s just my point. I didn’t say you always do the legal thing, Rey. I said you always do the _right_ thing. Morally right. It’s why, even when I’d been so horrible, even though you _hated_ me for the things I did, and the things I didn’t do, you came to see me, to tell me about the accident.” He looked away for a moment. “And it’s why you took my keys and personally made sure I got home after the funeral, and you stayed up all night to make sure that I didn’t choke to death on my own vomit.” She looked down as she felt a blush creeping up her neck and face. “You’re just a good person, Rey. The best, really.”

She looked up at him, and something in the way he was staring at her made a different sort of heat rise up within her. She shifted, suddenly needing to strip off the flannel.

“Fair warning, I think you should know I’m gonna kiss you,” he said softly. She couldn’t stop the gasp as he lunged up off the bed and leaned over her, hands on the arms of his desk chair, caging her in, trapping her there, and the heat inside blazed up in a raging inferno. He leaned in, so close, and she felt her eyes begin to flutter closed. He paused, maddeningly close. “Tell me no,” he whispered. “Tell me to stop. I swear I will.”

She fisted one hand just below the collar of his shirt, the other snaking around to the back of his neck, urging him forward that final millimeter.

His lips were soft, as they slanted over hers, and she tasted a hint of hops from the beer he’d had earlier, and mint, and something sweet that she suspected was just Ben. Her lips parted on a sigh as one of his hands cupped the side of her face, the other splayed across her back, but he didn’t do anything to deepen the kiss, and she really wanted that.

So, she did.

Ben made a sound low in his throat as her tongue darted out, sweeping across his bottom lip, and then he did the same to her. Her tongue darted out to meet his, and then he repeated her action. They continued like that for a few minutes, Ben letting Rey set the pace until he parted from her, pupils blown wide.

He pulled back, stretching gingerly from the uncomfortable angle he’d bent at, and gave her a look she couldn’t quite decipher.

Appraising. Curious. _Dark_.

Then he grinned. “I was too messed up to notice last time, but you kiss like Poe Dameron.”

She blinked at him as the words sank in. “It makes sense. He _was_ my first boyfriend and—wait…how do _you_ know how Poe kisses?”

He just gave her his best “resting Solo face”—an expression that seemed at once bored and irritated but could mean anything from mild amusement to true annoyance to thinking about cat videos. She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, hugging herself as she questioned what she was even _doing_ here, in this room, with Ben Solo, much less kissing him.

He surprised her when he flopped back onto the bed, arms crossed behind his head, and stared at the ceiling as he said, “A stupid bet, a drunken game of truth or dare.” He paused, one foot shaking in what she almost suspected was nervousness. “It worked well to confirm I’m not at all attracted to guys, and also, apparently, confirmed for him that he definitely is.”

“Wait, wait, when did this happen? Was this your senior year? Is _that_ why he broke up with me?”

He did look at her then, licked his lips and blinked a few times, and that, at least, she was _sure_ was a nervous tic.

“Uh, yeah, senior year. I, uh…I don’t know for sure if that’s why, but…probably?”

Rey sat in his desk chair, dropping her head into her hands, elbows on her knees. “Oh, that absolute prick. He gave me the whole ‘it’s not you it’s me’ speech and then some utter shite about not wanting to be tied down when he went to college. Then he told me he’d made out with Kaydel…one of my best friends. He could have just been honest.”

Ben cleared his throat and shifted, looking at the ceiling again. “Uh…he uh, he wasn’t lying about that part, either.”

She looked up slowly, eyes going wide. “What kind of parties did you _have_ your senior year after you supposedly stopped having parties?” She winced, regretting the question as soon as it was out. She knew how messed up he had been after Bazine died, had heard about the kind of things he got into then.

“Small ones, of the kind I knew better than to invite _you_ to.”

He was looking at her again, that grin back on his face, and her lips twitched in spite of her determination that he wouldn’t charm her.

The kiss had been a one-off. Really. Heat of the moment and all…

_Right._

She grabbed at a wadded-up t-shirt on the edge of his desk and threw it at him, gratified to see it smack him across the face. He tossed it to the floor and rolled onto his side, head propped on his hand. “That wasn’t very nice, Rey,” he insisted in a mock-serious tone.

She did let out a slight huff of laughter before leaning back against the chair and studying him. “You’re not so bad, yeah? The real you.”

A shuttered look came over him then. He was shutting down, closing himself off like some kind of protective reaction. Rey looked down, diligently studying her knees. “I’m…sorry. I didn’t mean…”

“Didn’t you?” His voice had gone low, husky with pain rather than desire.

“No!” She paused, drew in a breath. “Maybe? I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m doing here. I should go.” She glanced around. Where had she left...ah, there. She stood and walked to where she’d once again dropped her small knapsack at the foot of his bed and bent to retrieve it. Dimly, beyond the sudden haze of panic over saying the things she had—letting herself be vulnerable and trust Ben Solo of all people—she heard him shifting around, moving to sit up on the bed. Moving to where he could reach her.

He grasped her wrist gently, breathing her name like a secret prayer. “ _Rey._ Rey don’t go. I’m the one who should be sorry. You called it right, the day we met. What was it? An ‘arsehat’ I believe?”

She looked at those long fingers wrapped delicately around her wrist, glanced up at his face. “Karking arsehat, actually,” she corrected with a smirk.

His lips twitched in an almost-smile. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. I’m a dick. The point is, I meant it when I said you can stay here. I can crash on the couch—assuming no one’s passed out there already.”

“If anyone’s going to take the couch, it should be me.”

He looked alarmed at the very idea. “Ah, no, definitely not. The guys in this house…as far as I know they’re a decent bunch but…I’d rather not risk it, you know?”

“Risk wha—oh…”

She’d forgotten. The entire reason she’d even gone to his room in the first place, Mr. ‘Please don’t drink that,’ the guy from that other frat who seemed to think ‘no’ meant ‘try harder.’

She stared up at Ben with wide eyes, shocked. She’d felt so comfortable, so _safe_ , that she’d let herself forget. She looked down, fumbling at her bag, toying with one slim shoulder strap. “Ah, it’s your room. You should stay,” she said softly, quickly adding, “Not that we—um, what I mean is, just to sleep, so long as you keep all of your… _appendages_ …to yourself.” She could feel the blood rushing into her cheeks, knew her face was a bright cherry red.

He laughed, shaking his head as he eased back to his previous position lounging against an obscene number of pillows. Despite her blush she was determined not to look away first. When he quirked an eyebrow and patted the spot beside him she almost broke, almost turned her head and closed her eyes, but that same part of her that had needed to show him up in high school, that little voice that had piped up and urged her to prove she was perfectly capable of kicking a record-breaking field goal, was insisting she not let him win. Holding his gaze, she squared her shoulders and climbed onto the foot of the bed, crawling up and then allowing herself to drop beside him. She didn’t miss the way his lips quirked, as if he was fighting a smile, as she settled her head on the lone pillow he’d been willing to part with. “Night, Solo,” she muttered, turning her back to him, steadfast in her determination to at least pretend to sleep.

She didn’t have to pretend, though. She had a vague impression of him getting up and going into the bathroom with a soft click of the door, followed by the sound of the shower turning on. The sensation of a dip in the mattress as Ben slipped back into bed and the soft click as he turned out the light sometime later was the last thing she remembered.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey realizes she's friends with Ben Solo. Just friends. Really...
> 
> _He turned to her again, the hint of a smile twitching his lips. “Were you watching me, Andor?”_
> 
> _“Erso-Andor,” she muttered, staring at her lap and willing herself not to blush as she tried to deny it. “Not watching per se, but I saw him talking to you, with your coach.” Neither of them said anything for a moment, but Rey could feel him watching her. She looked up again, meeting his gaze evenly. “So, do you actually have homework?”_
> 
> _“No.”_
> 
> _“Just being an anti-social grump?”_
> 
> _“I prefer selectively social introvert.” She didn’t laugh but she did smile at him until he returned it and then stood. “Move over, Andor. You’re in my spot.” She didn’t correct him that time, for some reason not finding it as annoying as she usually did._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think just one more chapter and then on to Homecoming, which will be Ben's POV including his perspective on some of the events of their high school and college years via flashbacks (I think) and finish out the Field Goal trilogy.
> 
> [Field Goal Series Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5QBpSHlGLMjmrIPtGizcHc?si=mF88uGWPRf-HeIO02Ff2Aw)

At some point in the night, Rey had managed to squirm over the edge of the veritable nest of pillows Ben had arranged around his head and shoulders. She must have, because she woke up pleasantly warm, smelling vague hints of vanilla and citrus. Her eyes fluttered open but despite the faint sunlight slipping in around the edge of the blinds she couldn’t really see. _Something_ was tickling her nose. She tensed as she realized it was Ben’s hair.

In her sleep, she had managed to nestle in beside him, face pressed into the back of his neck. As if that weren’t humiliating enough, her right arm was curled around his shoulders, hand resting against his chest, and her right leg was thrown over his waist, clinging to him like a koala napping in a eucalyptus tree. She tensed again, reflexively, freezing as she realized that she was unintentionally tightening her limbs around him.

He made some small sound in his sleep, shifting a bit, and his hand came up to rest over hers, pressing her fingertips against the steady thump of his heart. She tugged experimentally and his fingers flexed before releasing her, his hand falling back down. He didn’t seem to be awake, so she lifted her knee, pulling her leg back to her side of the bed as well before turning onto her back, on the other side of the wall of pillows he’d put up between them. Ben made another muffled sound and rolled from his side onto his stomach, right arm curling around yet another of his seemingly never-ending pile of pillows.

Rey waited a few minutes, wanting to be sure he was really still sleeping, before slipping from the bed and grabbing her bag, then padding silently into the bathroom. Showered and dressed in leggings and Ben’s t-shirt, she dropped her bag at the foot of the bed again and slipped out of the room, closing the door with a quiet click. The house was still in that soft morning hush, but the unmistakable smells of coffee and bacon from downstairs suggested at least one other person was awake.

She found Armitage in the kitchen, standing at the stove with a spatula in hand. “So, good night I take it, cousin?” The only sign she’d surprised him was a slight flinch, a tightening of his shoulders. “Brave soul, cooking bacon with no shirt on,” she observed, reaching for the full coffee pot and what she sincerely hoped was a clean mug.

He shot her a look over his shoulder. “Yes, well, Rose is wearing mine,” he said, turning back to his bacon before he froze and spun around. “Is that…Rey, are you wearing _BEN SOLO’S_ shirt?”

She rolled her eyes, tugging the collar back over her shoulder. “I forgot to pack mine and _you_ had already locked me out so I couldn’t steal one of yours.”

“But, Poe…”

“Is apparently still in bed with Finn.” She didn’t miss the way his face and ears reddened. It was amusing watching the flush creep over his shoulders, but she kept that observation to herself—for now.

“Ah, so now you know.”

She took a sip of her coffee and made a face, reaching for more sugar. “I do. I suppose I understand why you didn’t tell me, after all it wasn’t your news to share, but I admit I am a bit hurt that Finn didn’t.”

“He wanted to.” Rey turned at Ben’s voice from the doorway. “Poe was afraid of your reaction, though.”

“You keep doing that,” she said, scowling at him.

“Doing what?”

“Creeping up and inviting yourself into my conversations.”

“Public area, and _I_ live here,” he said, collecting the last clean coffee mug from the cupboard and pouring himself a cup before settling on the bar stool beside the one Rey had claimed. “Gonna burn your bacon, Hux,” he muttered as the redhead stared at them in shock. For his part, Armitage made a pinched face and turned back to the pan, quickly flipping the meat onto a paper towel lined plate before turning his attention to the carton of eggs on the counter.

It didn’t take him long to cook and plate four perfectly fried eggs. As he added bacon, toast, and orange juice to the two plates on the tray he’d had ready, Ben reached out, attempting to steal a strip of bacon. “Aw, for me,” Ben said, “you shouldn’t have.”

“And you may rest assured I didn’t,” Armitage hissed, swatting his hand away. “You already finished off the coffee, you aren’t getting Rose’s bacon as well.”

“He’s got it bad,” Ben muttered as Armitage disappeared up the stairs.

“Yep,” Rey said, popping the ‘p’ as she finished off her coffee. “I think it’s sweet, though.”

“That’s one word for it.”

Rey laughed, a carefree and happy sound. “How about it, Solo, you going to make breakfast for _me_ , now?” she asked, batting her eyes at him exaggeratedly.

“Only if you make more coffee.”

She laughed. “That’s a deal you may come to regret.”

He stood up and retrieved the eggs from the refrigerator, grabbing a few other items as well. “I’ll risk it,” he said, glancing at her over his shoulder. “Here,” he said, grabbing something out of the freezer and tossing it to her. She caught it automatically and looked down to find some fancy, gourmet dark roast coffee. “Stays fresher in the freezer,” he muttered, opening drawers and grabbing knives and other utensils before moving to the pantry and then back to the cabinets, coming back with his arms full of other ingredients, mixing bowls, and a cutting board. Rey busied herself preparing the coffee, toying with the saltshaker a moment before sprinkling a little over the top of the coffee grounds in the brew basket. It was a trick her father used, claiming it cut the bitterness and acidity, and even if it were all false, she’d developed a taste for it, and she found the knowledge she’d made the coffee the same way her father did comforting.

They were eating in an almost companionable silence when Poe stumbled in and went straight to the coffee pot, then blinked uncomprehendingly at the empty shelf where the clean mugs were _supposed_ to be. “By the sink, Dameron,” Ben muttered. Rey had been a little surprised when he’d stood at the sink, hand washing enough mugs and silverware that the others in the house would have something for their coffee and whatever breakfast (or lunch) they decided to seek out. When she commented, he claimed that it was only so he could have space to wash his hands and then put his own dirty dishes in the sink as he cooked. She let him have that one, mind too busy processing an overload of new (or in some instances simply forgotten) information about Ben Solo.

Until the previous night, she’d been able to make herself mostly forget about their one, desperate kiss after Bazine’s funeral, managed to cling to the memory of all the awful things he’d said to her over the first two years she had known him.

She’d _tried_ not to think of him at all, too much pain and, yes, longing wrapped in confusion to devote her attention and energy to untangling it all. _Tried._

In the end, resurrecting and maintaining old grudges had been easier than dealing with her actual thoughts and feelings.

Then he’d come to her rescue—again—taken her to his room (his personal space—she knew better than to believe he let just anyone intrude there), let her sleep in his bed, and been willing to leave her there, unsupervised. It was…more trust than she’d ever expected him to offer her.

And that kiss…

She’d dated Poe in high school, had gone out with a few other boys in the years since Poe had broken up with her. There had been kisses, and maybe some awkward, fumbling attempts at more that had left her uncomfortable (and at least one date with a black eye when he got pushy), but _nothing_ like kissing Ben Solo.

Rey snapped out of her thoughts when Poe nearly dropped his coffee cup, sloshing the liquid over the counter in front of Rey’s plate. “Rey?”

“Yes, Poe?”

“What are you doing?”

“Eating breakfast, Poe.”

“No, I mean, I can see that but…why are you sitting beside Ben? And not, you know, fighting?”

“Because I gave her food,” Ben said. Rey made a show of cutting into her pancakes (made from scratch and topped with _real_ butter and _genuine_ Vermont maple syrup), shoveling a comically large bite into her mouth and chewing.

“Oh.” Poe still seemed confused. He took another sip of his coffee, watching Rey over the top of the mug as he did so, then coughing and sputtering as his eyes widened and he apparently tried to inhale the liquid. “Is that…are you wearing his shirt?”

Rey took her time chewing, maintaining aggressive eye contact with Poe. She didn’t object when Ben leaned against the back of his bar stool and rested his arm along the back of hers. “What if I am, Poe?” Poe blinked and looked back to Ben as she asked the question.

Finn wandered into the kitchen then, pausing in the doorway at the look on Poe’s face. “You okay? Poe?”

Poe just kept looking back and forth between Rey and Ben as he muttered, “I think your sister slept with Solo last night, Finn.”

Finn made a face. “Yeah, right, and I’m straight.”

She wasn’t sure what made her do it—maybe she really was a little angry that they hadn’t told her, and that they’d essentially abandoned her at the party, or maybe she was just bored and beginning to feel the sugar rush of her breakfast—but Rey gave in to the impulse to play with them. She leaned over a bit, not close enough to lean on Ben but definitely giving the impression that she might.

“And where, exactly, was I _supposed_ to sleep, hm? You two saw Rose and Armitage go upstairs, then you wandered off and left me alone.” Finn looked away guiltily.

“With the guy who tried to rip her shirt off,” Ben muttered, and Finn’s head snapped back around at that. Rey glared at Ben, knowing how her brother was going to react to that bit of information.

“Are you okay?” was swiftly followed by over thirty minutes of Finn studying her from every angle, constantly hugging her, demanding that she tell him what happened, apologizing profusely, blaming himself, and repeating the entire process again.

After the fourth (fifth?) time, she grabbed Finn’s upper arms. “Okay, that’s enough. The only person who did something wrong, the only person at fault, is the utter prat who grabbed me and tore Paige’s top. Ben stepped in before I could punch the arse, and then he let me sleep in his room because the only other option was the couch in the living room. That’s _all_ Finn.”

She felt a sense of satisfaction when Finn and then Poe each hugged Ben (who looked extremely uncomfortable about it), thanking him for “looking after our girl.” She smiled innocently at him over Finn’s shoulder while he tried to extricate himself from her brother’s hold. Finn could be a _very_ determined hugger.

After the hugging and a second cup of coffee, Poe looked expectantly at Ben. “Solo, where’s _my_ breakfast?”

“I don’t know Poe. Did you cook something?” Poe pouted. “Gonna go shower, and then I have to get to the field,” Ben muttered, seemingly ignoring Poe as he stood and carried his own breakfast dishes to the sink, rinsing them and loading them into the dishwasher. As he exited the kitchen and headed to the stairs, he called back over his shoulder, “Check the oven, Dameron, and you’re in charge of clean up. You know how this works.” Poe made a happy sound and opened the oven (which Ben had set to warm) and grabbed a potholder to remove the shallow dish full of pancakes, scrambled eggs, and the rest of the bacon.

Rey sat with Poe and Finn as they ate, Finn claiming the bar stool Ben had left and Poe standing on the other side of the bar, leaning over his plate as he practically inhaled his food. “Solo and Hux are the only ones who can cook,” he offered, syrup dribbling down his chin. “But Ben’s the only one who does it without being asked.” Rey fought to keep her face expressionless.

By the time their breakfast was done, Ben had returned, pausing behind Rey to reach over her shoulder and hand her a single key. “Hux and Rose haven’t surfaced yet. I left the door open, but I’d appreciate if you’d lock up before you leave the house…ah, assuming you go anywhere.” She looked up at him, too shocked to speak, her expression mirrored on Poe’s face, and probably Finn’s as well. She nodded and he turned to leave, hefting a large equipment bag over his shoulder. She heard the front door open, and then Ben’s voice one more time. “You’re gonna be late, Poe. Don’t piss off Coach Tarkin again.”

Poe cursed and looked at the open and nearly empty dishwasher, the full sink, and their plates still on the bar top before turning a pleading look at Finn and Rey. “Once, and only once, Poe,” Rey said.

Poe practically ran from the room to grab his own gear, a hastily called “Thanks, you’re a goddess,” echoing behind him. Rey shook her head and stood, collecting the empty plates and sticky silverware, Finn following with the mugs. The pair worked in silence, falling back into the old pattern they’d followed at home when it came to kitchen clean up duty. She appreciated that Finn didn’t try questioning her about the previous night again.

By the time they were finished, Rose had finally emerged, Armitage not far behind her. “Oh, thank GOD! FINALLY!” Rey practically yelled before she could stop herself. Rose flinched and groaned, holding her head. “Sorry…just…I only seem to have brought the one shirt, the one I wore yesterday, and it’s in Armie’s room.”

Rose blinked a few times, trying to focus. She’d clearly not put her contacts in and had apparently not bothered with her glasses. “Whose shirt are you wearing now?”

“Solo’s,” Finn said. “ _And_ she slept in his room last night.”

Rose grinned at her. “No, Rose, whatever you are thinking of saying, please don’t say it. I _slept_ in his room, that’s all.”

“And where did he sleep? On the couch?” Rose asked, her face an innocent mask.

“He offered…but it was _his_ room.” Rey looked away as her face heated.

“Can you kindly not have this discussion until I am out of the room?” Armitage whined, looking pained. “I am having a difficult enough time with my part in this as it is.”

“Same,” Finn said, carrying a glass of juice toward the hallway, presumably headed to Poe’s room.

It hadn’t been planned, but when Finn asked if anyone was going to the football game with him that afternoon, Rey didn’t see any reason not to. She was a little surprised when Rose and Armitage tagged along, having expected they would make the most of having the house practically to themselves.

The four of them found decent seats in the bleachers and settled in for the duration. Ten minutes in, Rey determined she did _not_ like the new head coach. She watched, increasingly angry as Coach Tarkin barked orders at his players, and loudly berated the ones he found lacking. There was no camaraderie, no team spirit, no actual _coaching._ He was more like a drill sergeant disciplining his troops. When he laid into Poe for having the audacity to drink water, she flinched, and gave Finn’s hand a squeeze when he reached out to her. Ben made an impressive catch, but Tarkin screamed something about how it should have been better.

When he wasn’t screaming at the players, he was huddled close to a man in an expensive looking coat with a scar on his face. Rey didn’t know who he was, but something about him put her off. Both of them—Tarkin and the scarred man—reminded her too much of Coach Pryde. After the game ended (in a victory for ‘their’ side, of course) Rey felt a prickle of unease as Coach Tarkin and the scarred man cornered Ben, leaning in close as if they didn’t want anyone to overhear what they said to him.

By the end of the weekend, Rey was fairly certain she was _friends_ with Ben Solo. She told herself that was why she was concerned for him.

He’d been quiet after the game, lost in thought, and muttered something about needing to get some homework done when Poe invited him to join them all for a movie in the living room. He was halfway up the stairs when he paused, turning around, and returning to the main floor. “Rey? Your stuff’s still in my room?”

“Oh! Yes, sorry, I can come get it now if you want, so I don’t disturb you later.”

“No worries, just…I’ll leave the door unlocked.”

He turned back towards the stairs again, shoulders slumped as he walked. She turned back in time to see Poe watching her watch Ben. He seemed to be thinking, and then he got a devious look, choosing a film she hated. Rey didn’t watch zombie or cannibal films. Couldn’t really, and Poe knew it. She glanced at the stairs again, looked back at Poe, and nodded once before making her excuses and claiming she needed to do some revising of her own for her Monday afternoon classes.

Ben’s door wasn’t quite closed, and she knocked lightly before pushing it open. She stepped into the room—mostly dark except for the small lamp on his desk—and found Ben slumped in his desk chair, head in his hands. He didn’t look up as she closed the door quietly and crossed the room, perching gingerly on the edge of his bed. “Do you want to talk about it?”

His “no” was muffled by his hands and desk.

“Alright then. Do you mind if I stay? Poe picked something he knew I wouldn’t watch.”

“’s fine,” he mumbled, slowly raising his head and turning to face her. “Zombies?” She nodded, surprised he knew that about her. Ben nodded as well, turning back to his desk. “It’s just…someone said something after the game, it’s got me thinking.”

“The scarred man?”

He turned to her again, the hint of a smile twitching his lips. “Were you watching me, Andor?”

“Erso-Andor,” she muttered, staring at her lap and willing herself not to blush as she tried to deny it. “Not _watching_ per se, but I saw him talking to you, with your coach.” Neither of them said anything for a moment, but Rey could _feel_ him watching her. She looked up again, meeting his gaze evenly. “So, do you actually have homework?”

“No.”

“Just being an anti-social grump?”

“I prefer _selectively social introvert._ ” She didn’t laugh but she did smile at him until he returned it and then stood. “Move over, _Andor_. You’re in my spot.” She didn’t correct him that time, for some reason not finding it as annoying as she usually did.

She shifted over, leaning back against the wall and the single spare pillow he’d given her the previous night, accepting two more with a soft ‘thanks’ as he arranged the remaining three behind him and reached for a remote control on the nightstand. They watched a silly film from the 1980s, keeping up a running commentary all the way through, until hunger drove Ben to the kitchen, returning with a plate of fat sandwiches on crusty bread, baby carrots, and celery sticks with ranch dressing.

“What, no crisps?” Rey asked in mock-outrage, swiping a carrot off of Ben’s plate, ignoring her own.

“Nope, terrible for you.” He took a sip of his beer. “Also, Poe eats them all and refuses to buy any more. Vegetables or fresh fruit he leaves alone.”

“That does sound like Poe.” Ben put on another film, but Rey was never able to remember what it was, too engaged in the various topics of conversation they touched on, everything from classes and future plans to favorite songs to which kind of apple was the best (Rey preferred a nice Gala while Ben liked Granny Smith).

He didn’t take the pillows back from her that night, and she was far less panicked when she woke practically wrapped around him again Sunday morning. She and Rose left after a breakfast of cold cereal because the other breakfast foods had all been consumed Saturday and it had been Poe’s turn to grocery shop, so everything left was canned, frozen, or shelf stable. Rey was quiet on the drive back to their campus, responding to Rose’s occasional questions and trying to at least look like she was paying attention as her roommate gushed about Armitage.

Several things changed after that weekend. Rose and Armitage were officially dating, which meant Armitage no longer called with the pretense of talking to Rey. He called Rose. He still spoke with Rey, keeping up with her, but the bulk of his conversation time was reserved for Rose.

Rey also heard from Finn and Poe more than she had been, now that she knew they were also an item.

The biggest change, though, were frequent emails and nearly nightly phone calls from Ben. Rose was insistent they were more than friends. Rey denied it every time, but she couldn’t always hide her blush. Rose’s insistent teasing _did_ get her thinking. Did she _want_ more than just friendship? With Ben Solo? She was starting to fear the answer was “yes” and that wasn’t something she was ready to face.

So, denial.

To everyone.

Especially herself.

As late summer transitioned to fall, Rose and Rey made the trek to visit Armitage, Ben, and Poe (and usually Finn) about every third weekend. On weekends the football team was traveling and wouldn’t be back until late Saturday night (or Sunday), Ben left his keys with Armitage. Once or twice Poe offered her his room, but Ben had been quick to remind everyone that he was the only other one with a private bath, ending anyone’s protests that Rey could sleep elsewhere. She appreciated his consideration. Even when he wasn’t there, Ben’s room felt peaceful—safe. And if the fact that the sheets and pillows smelled like him was an added bonus, well, she could keep that little tidbit to herself.

They weren’t dating, at least not officially, and at first Rey was concerned she was in the way of Ben’s social life, but according to Armitage he hadn’t had much of a social life at all so far, focused on classes and football. Supposedly, Ben ignored or at times didn’t even seem to notice the coeds practically throwing themselves at him. Rey wasn’t sure she believed that, at least not until she saw it for herself.

It was another party weekend. After three or four parties, Rey and Ben had developed a habit of making one round of the main room, nothing harder than a beer each and sometimes no alcohol at all before, well, hiding out in his room with food and movies or just studying in silence. Once he had even grabbed his keys and herded her out the door, taking her to the coffee shop/diner he went to sometimes when he needed to escape the activity in the house. She’d assumed it was because he needed some quiet, and she had been pleasantly surprised when he was more talkative and animated than she’d ever seen him.

But on the night in question they had stayed. In fact, they were both in the living room later than usual and Ben had gone to the kitchen for whatever snacks and drinks he wanted but hadn’t already ferreted away in his room. It was taking him an unusually long time, and she wandered into the kitchen thinking he might need help. She found him leaning against the counter, a brunette in a short skirt giggling and trailing her hand up his arm. He had his arms crossed over his chest, but he didn’t give any other outward signs of distress, and she started to back out of the room. Then Ben looked up and smiled at her. “There you are!” The brunette was surprised enough to stop touching him and back up a step, giving him the chance to slip away without having to touch her.

“Please, please, please don’t kill me for this, Andor,” he whispered in her ear. Before she could ask what “this” was he kissed her quickly, just a brush of lips, really, and then her feet were suddenly off the floor, the world spinning around her as she was unceremoniously tossed over his shoulder. She yelped in surprise but then caught a glimpse of the brunette’s face and decided to play along, not fighting as she was hauled up the stairs, the other girl actually following part of the way before she gave up and returned to the party. Rey yelped again when Ben dropped her on his bed and took a quick step back.

“Sorry, sorry about that. I have no idea who that girl is but no is apparently not a part of her vocabulary.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I was starting to think I’d be stuck there all night unless I was willing to actually push her away from me.” Rey leaned up on her elbows, watching as he paced in tight circles at the foot of his bed. He paused and looked at her in misery. “SHIT! I forgot about the food.”

“I think we’ll survive.”

He sighed and nodded, stretching out on the bed beside her. “Still sorry, though.” They stared at the ceiling, legs hanging off the end of the mattress.

“So…does that happen often? Women accosting you in kitchens?”

He snorted, folding arms behind his head. “Define _often_.”

“Well that’s a yes.” Rey rolled onto her side, head propped on one hand. “So what do you do when I’m not here for you to carry around as an excuse to run away?”

“Ignore them, mostly. She was just more persistent than usual.”

“You’re never tempted to take them up on the offer?” He shot her a look before facing the ceiling again, eyes closed.

“No.” He seemed irritated by the question, and she wondered if she’d offended him, but then he added, “I mean, it’s not like I never have. Just…maybe if I thought they actually liked _me_ …I’ve spent my whole life trying to either live up to what someone thought I _should_ be or going to great lengths to prove that I’m something else entirely. I’d rather someone decide they like me in spite of my few shortcomings.”

She snorted at his expectant look as he said the last bit and smacked his chest. “Ben Solo, you’re a closet romantic!”

“Ow! I can’t believe you hit me!” he said, although his pleased smile suggested she’d given him the reaction he was hoping for.

“Well you’re already down, so I can’t knock you over and it would take too much effort to push you off the bed.”

He shrugged (an action which should have looked odd lying down as he was but somehow just…didn’t). “Eh, it would probably be easier than you think. Push with your legs, it’s where most of your strength is concentrated, especially if you have leverage.”

“I’ll keep that in mind for next time.”

They fell quiet again for a while, Rey turning onto her back again after a moment. “So, Poe’s trying to assign themed Halloween costumes for everyone,” Ben said eventually, breaking the silence.

“That does sound like him.”

Ben was the one to turn to his side then, half-hovering over her. “Couples costumes, mostly, on a group theme of monsters. He has helpfully decided since I don’t, as he put it, ‘have a person,’ that he will either make me Lurch from the Addams family, or Bigfoot…”

“Well, you _are_ disgustingly tall, and your feet are in fact huge.”

“Not helpful, Andor.” He flopped onto his back again. “So, how about it?”

“How about what?”

“Be my _person_ —uh, for the Halloween party, I mean—so Poe will leave me alone.”

“Hm…maybe. But who would we be? Dracula and his vampire bride?”

“Rose and Hux.”

“Frankenstein’s monster and the bride of Frankenstein?”

“No…anyway, I think Poe has decided he and Finn will be the monster and Victor, or possibly Victor and the monster.”

“I don’t particularly want to be a werewolf, and I refuse to be any sort of zombie. Ben?” Rey tapped a finger on her chin, thinking about what he’d said Poe was threatening before turning, waiting for him to face her. “How do you feel about pinstripes?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things change after the Halloween party.
> 
> _"You and I, we could have been friends. Should have. We can’t go back and change any of that, but I’d like to think we’ve moved past that, finally. I mean, we’re friends now.”_
> 
> _Something changed at her words, some new tension coming over him as his jaw clenched and his eyes darted away. “Friends. Right.”_
> 
> _“What’s that supposed to mean?_
> 
> _“It means we’re not friends, Rey. We can’t…I can’t be friends with you.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Increased chapter count to 4. This was just too massive, but chapter 4 is mostly done and will hopefully be ready to go in the next day or two. Hopefully.

Rose helped with the dress. Had to, really. Rey couldn’t get in or out of it by herself. Rose stepped back after doing up the zipper and fastening the hook and eye closure at the top. “I wouldn’t drink much…actually I wouldn’t drink _anything_ ,” her roommate muttered. Rey made a face. She hadn’t really thought this through all the way to the logical conclusion when choosing her costume. It looked _amazing_ , but she wasn’t going to be able to sit down—she could _barely_ walk, and Rose was correct to assume there was no chance Rey would be able to use the loo unassisted.

She looked up at Rose, grinning at the picture her roommate made in darkly dramatic make up and a gown made from layers of diaphanous gauze. Rose turned away, fiddling with something on the bed before turning back to Rey. “So, ready for the crowning touch?”

Rey sighed. _Oh. Right._ “If I say no, will you let me skip it?”

Rose shook her head, approaching with the long, dark wig, making a few adjustments before nodding to herself. “Okay, I think we’re ready,” she announced, reaching for the doorknob.

Ben and Armitage were waiting in the hallway, leaning against the wall on either side of Ben’s door. Rey froze, eyes trailing over Ben’s massive frame in the navy-blue pinstripe suit, cigar clutched in his fingers. He’d done something, slicked his hair back somehow, leaving his ears on display…oh God, his ears, she wanted to bite his ears. This may have been a _very_ bad plan.

 _“Cara Mia.”_ He held out a hand and she went to him, forcing herself to snap out of it.

_“Mon cher.”_

“Tish! You spoke French,” he said, tugging on her wrist and somehow spinning her into him, her startled yelp and subsequent laughter echoing down the stairs. If not for his other arm settling on her hip to steady her, she would have fallen. Ben’s expression turned serious for a moment, staring down at her. “Are you gonna be able to walk, Andor, or do I need to carry you down the stairs?”

She smacked his shoulder. “Of course I can walk, you arse.” After a moment she did admit, “Just can’t sit down, and the actual stairs might be a challenge. And it’s _Erso_ -Andor,” she tacked on at the end, but without the vehemence the words used to have. It had become more of a joke than a way to truly irritate her. Ben’s expression didn’t change, but Rey was fairly certain he was trying not to laugh at her.

She made it down the stairs mostly on her own, although Ben did stay one or two steps ahead of her and had one hand out and ready to steady her most of the way. Still, the shocked look on Poe’s face when he came out of his room with Finn and saw them almost made the inherent dangers of such a tight dress worth it. _Almost._

They actually stayed downstairs for most of the party, although Rey did ditch the wig after the first couple of hours. It was hot and itchy and smelled a little weird from whatever chemicals and dyes had gone into making it. She didn’t miss the looks she got, but then neither did Ben and he seemed to have a sixth sense for when someone was making her uncomfortable. She also noticed the brunette from the party in September was there, dressed as “sexy Darth Vader” and looking none too pleased to see Rey on Ben’s arm.

The third time she yawned Ben dropped an arm over her shoulders, guiding her to the stairs. Whatever he’d done to keep his hair back had given up the fight, and a few tendrils fell down over his temples, framing his face and obscuring (but not completely covering) his ears.

Going up the stairs proved far more difficult than coming down had, especially as sleepy as Rey was. When the toe of her shoe got caught in her dress the fourth time (and on the fourth step), Ben made a sound of frustrated disgust and tossed her over his shoulder again, arm locked around her thighs as he took the stairs two at a time. As she bounced with every step, she had a blurry image of the brunette glaring at them from the bottom of the staircase. He dropped her on his bed and she giggled as she bounced, squirming around in a failed effort to at least sit up. Rey held out her hands, lips pursed in a pout. “I’m stuck, Solo! Help!”

Ben grabbed her hands, helping her sit up and turn enough to get her feet on the floor. “I thought you didn’t drink tonight?”

She sighed. “I didn’t. Just…” she yawned again, covering her mouth as her eyes watered. “I’m very sleepy and my dress is very tight.”

“That it is.” She couldn’t quite decipher his expression. It wasn’t exactly ‘resting Solo face’ but…well, the closest she could come to naming it would be ‘ _pained_ resting Solo face.’

A door slammed nearby and Rey bit off a curse. “Pretty sure that was Rose and Armitage, and my things are still in his room.”

Ben shrugged out of his suit jacket and tossed it over the back of his desk chair before turning his attention to his tie and waistcoat. He gestured in the general direction of his dresser. “You know where my shirts are.”

Rey suddenly found she couldn’t look at him. “I, ah, I need some sort of pants as well.”

She glanced up in time to see him make a face. “Rey, this wouldn’t be the first time you slept in one of my shirts and no pants.”

“No, Ben, not…not trousers or anything, _pants_ , knickers…” Her face flamed as she looked away again. “I ah…I couldn’t wear anything under the dress. It’s just too tight.”

He made a choking sound and sort of waved his hand at the dresser again. “Next drawer…probably something…take what you need.” And then the bathroom door closed behind him with a thump.

She was perched on the edge of his bed when he came back out, one of his shirts and a pair of drawstring shorts bundled in her lap. He had a pair of black sweatpants resting low on his hips and was toweling at his hair as he crossed the room. Rey was mesmerized at a few stray droplets on his chest and shoulders, swallowing hard and unable to tear her gaze away when one broke free, trailing down, down, tracing over defined abs and skirting past his navel before disappearing, absorbed in the black fabric.

It wasn’t like she’d never seen him shirtless, but he usually made an effort to keep one on when she was visiting. She watched as he headed for the dresser, grabbing the first folded shirt and pulling it on, the motion sending muscles in his arms and back flexing and rippling as Rey stared.

He tossed the towel back into the bathroom, in the general direction of the hamper before turning to face her. She looked away, unable to meet his eyes after leering the way she had been, sure he would see it. “Figured you’d already be changed.” His voice was…off, somehow, deeper than usual maybe, and gravelly.

She squirmed a bit, yelping as she nearly fell off the bed. She glared, silently daring him to laugh. He smiled, twitching with the effort to hold back as his eyes danced with mirth, but he didn’t laugh. Instead he stepped forward, helping her stand. “Ben?”

“Hm?”

“I ah, can you help me? I can’t…” she took a breath, closed her eyes as if that would stop the flood of humiliation as she quickly finished, “ _I’m stuck! I can’t get out of the dress!”_ He did laugh, then, but he kept any comments to himself as she turned, presenting her back—and more specifically the hook and the zipper. He fumbled a bit, and a shiver went through her as the warmth of his hand bled through the fabric.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to tickle you,” he said softly, almost a whisper against her hair. She didn’t tell him he hadn’t. It was safer to let him believe that was the reason. She could _feel_ his body heat radiating outward, knew he was close enough that even a single step back would have her fully pressed against him.

The zipper gave easily enough, but the hook and eye closure above it was stuck. Rey bit her lip when one of his hands rested briefly on the bare skin of her back, steadying her as he tried for a better angle to free her without tearing the dress.

She stamped out the impulse to beg him to do just that, to rip it free, tear the damnable thing off her, and then…what? What did she think would happen?

What did she _want_ to happen?

The fabric gave and she bit back a gasp, holding the dress up as she shuffled through the door to wash up and change. She spent a good minute leaning against the bathroom door, just trying to remember how to breathe. Her ridiculous crush on Ben Solo, the one she’d been denying for _years_ , had soared to new heights in the last five minutes.

Tired though she was, Rey decided on a shower, hoping the excuse to hide in the tiny room a little longer would give her a chance to rein in her hormones. She took a moment to hang up his towel to dry on the over the door rack, turned on the water, and pushed the dress down over her hips, kicking it angrily into the corner once it was off, as if the balled up fabric were solely at fault.

She had her own bath products here now, travel size bottles of whatever bargain brands had the least offensively perfumed smells, but Ben’s were better quality and gender neutral as far as fragrance went, so she stuck with her habit of stealing his shampoo, conditioner, and body wash before wrapping herself in a fluffy, clean towel. Her skin had that same vaguely citrus smell she’d come to associate with Ben, specifically the back of his neck, and she realized the shower plan hadn’t worked out the way she’d hoped. She sighed and set about brushing her teeth and trying to get some of the water out of her hair, wondering idly if Ben would braid it for her. He’d done it a couple of times before, and it had been quite relaxing…although asking Ben Solo to put his hands on _any_ part of her was not the most brilliant plan at the moment. She toweled at her hair again and pulled the damp strands back into a low ponytail before tugging the shirt over her head. The shorts took some creative rolling of the waist and knotting of the drawstring before she felt confident they wouldn’t just fall off, and then she didn’t have any more excuses to avoid the bedroom—or its occupant.

Fate must have been feeling kind that night, because when Rey finally stepped out the only light in the room was from the small lamp on Ben’s nightstand, and she could just make out his face, relaxed in sleep. His right hand was on the edge of the nightstand, as if he’d been reaching for the picture he kept there—the same group shot from prom her junior year, the one he’d kept on his nightstand in the pool house. She looked at it for a moment, feeling a familiar pang of grief and insisting to herself that missing Bazine was the only reason she was studying the photo. Finally, she shook her head, telling herself to stop being ridiculous and fumbled under the shade for the switch to turn the lamp off. She considered— _very_ briefly—just climbing over him to get to what she had come to consider her side of the bed where it was pushed up against the wall, but the temptation there…well, best not.

She bit back a curse when she misjudged the distance and bumped her shin on the box spring as she crawled onto the bed from the end (grateful that it was a simple metal base frame and no actual footboard had been attached). Ben shifted at the sound, turning toward her side of the bed, his left hand coming to rest on her pillow (and it _was_ hers—after the weekend sleepovers had become a habit, he had purchased four new ones—excessive, she’d thought at the time—just for Rey).

When he didn’t make any other movements or say anything, she continued her progress, crawling up the bed until she could settle in among the pile of pillows he had helpfully arranged for her optimum support and comfort. As she relaxed and started to drift off, the arm across her pillow shifted and settled over her waist, a comforting weight.

Ben was gone before she woke up the next morning, the football team having boarded their bus before 6 AM for an away game. She vaguely recalled grumbling at him when his alarm went off and then attempting to burrow into his side in search of warmth as he moved away and sat up. He’d chuckled, and he may have whispered, “Go back to sleep, little scavenger.” Or that part may have been a dream. Since they’d made peace after that first party, Ben Solo’s voice had whispered in her dreams with increasing regularity. Either way, she woke in Ben’s spot, nestled in the hollowed-out space bordered by pillows and sheets that smelled like him. She stretched and stared at the ceiling, decidedly _not_ thinking about how much she did not want to get up, or the fact that she maybe, kind of, sort of missed him.

Rey spent the day with Finn, wandering the local “downtown” area (not more than a block or so, as there wasn’t much town to begin with) and then back to the house for dinner and a film with Rose and Hux. For the most part, she managed to redirect conversation when Ben was the subject, at least until dinner when Armitage broached the subject of Coach Tarkin and Mr. Snoke—the scarred man who seemed to have some kind of interest in Ben. “I don’t like it,” Armitage said. “Those two are up to no good. Whatever it is has something to do with Solo, and that girl, the brunette who keeps showing up here alone every time there’s a party.”

“Who, sexy Vader?” Rey asked with a snort and an eyeroll.

“Yes. Her. I’ve not even the faintest who she is, but I have seen her with Tarkin and Snoke several times. And Solo is always in quite the mood after Tarkin and Snoke have cornered him.” He studied his water glass before meeting Rey’s eyes. “I must admit, I am…concerned. Has Solo said anything to you?” Rey just shook her head, glancing down at her plate. She’d noticed it too. Ben was always down, angry even, after practices and games, and he refused to talk about it, always looking away and changing the subject or just clamming up and turning on the television when she was there, or making some excuse to end the call if they were on the phone.

The dinner conversation was interrupted by a string of creative profanity and something crashing against a wall. “Ah, Ben and Poe are back,” Armitage said wryly. The cursing was, surprisingly enough, coming from Poe, the crashing sound his helmet as it bounced off the living room wall. Seconds later, Ben’s door slammed.

Finn braved the living room, tentatively approaching Poe. “Babe? You okay?” Poe scrubbed at his eyes and stared at the floor, but he leaned in towards Finn as he got close enough, silently asking to be held.

“I can’t…I just can’t do it anymore.”

“I take it the game didn’t go well?” Rey asked from the kitchen doorway.

Poe lifted his head from Finn’s shoulder. “No, no, game was fine. We won. Crushed East State, actually. It’s just…I can’t deal with Tarkin anymore. He’s…it’s getting worse and worse. Nothing’s ever good enough, and he keeps insisting football is the most important thing, trying to get the guys to skip out on classes or only take easy shit in the fall, and he’s…it’s almost like he’s encouraging fighting and…and harassment.” Poe straightened, taking half a step back. “And Snoke. I’ve never talked to the guy, but the rumor is he’s trying to recruit some of the team for some kind of private professional league, pushing them to drop out of school. I think he might be giving them stuff, too. Drugs, money, girls, whatever.”

“You think or you know?” Armitage asked.

“I think.” Poe shrugged. “I’ve never actually talked to the man. I’m not good enough, not big enough, and definitely not straight enough for him to recruit.” Poe sighed, staring at his feet for a moment. “I…I think I’m gonna go to bed. It’s been a long day.”

Rey hugged him, unable to offer any words of comfort but wanting to let him know she was there for him, and he had her support. Once Finn and Poe disappeared into Poe’s room, she turned to Armitage and Rose. “Go,” Armitage said, nodding in the general direction of the stairs. “He could probably use a friend right now, too.” Rose muttered something about Scooby snacks as Rey headed up the stairs, but she didn’t quite catch the actual words and she was too concerned about Ben to go back and ask. Doubtless it was related to Rose’s habit of calling Ben ‘Scooby Doo’ as she had threatened the day she met him.

She tried the knob and it wasn’t locked, but Rey knocked anyway, waiting a moment before she opened the door and poked her head in. Ben was stretched out on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling with his arms behind his head. He hadn’t even bothered to take his shoes off, which was unusual to say the least. He didn’t even look at her, or acknowledge her in any way, but he hadn’t told her to leave either so she stepped in and closed the door behind her with a soft click. She climbed up over the foot of the bed and crawled until she could stretch out beside him. “Want to talk about it?”

“Nope.”

She shrugged, “M’kay.” Rey made herself comfortable, unconsciously adopting the same pose and staring up at the ceiling. He’d talk when he was ready.

Apparently, he was ready about five minutes later. He shifted, one arm moving from behind his head to cover his eyes. “It’s just…what if I’m wasting my time here? I’ll only be able to play for so long. I could go pro, make something of myself, matter, you know? And school would still be there after if I wanted.”

Rey took a moment before responding, wanting to choose her words carefully. She turned on her side. “Ben? Is that really what you want? To play football?”

“Yes…no…fuck, I don’t even know.”

“You know you matter, right? You’re important and you matter.”

“Oh yeah? To who?”

“Me, for one!” Rey gasped, one hand covering her mouth for a moment. She hadn’t meant…well, she _had_. She really had meant it, just not to say it out loud. But Ben needed to hear it.

Ben didn’t move, didn’t respond for far too long, and then he slowly sat up and turned, staring down at her until she grew uncomfortable and sat up herself. It was hard to meet his gaze but she managed. “You…actually mean that, don’t you?”

She couldn’t stop the look of displeasure. “Well of course, I meant it, you great oaf. For someone so smart, you can be a real idiot sometimes, Ben Solo.” She shifted around, putting one hand on his shoulder, moving it up to his face as she came up on her knees. “I don’t understand why you can’t see how worthy you are.”

A harsh bark of something like laughter escaped him. “Tell that to my parents.”

And that was the crux of it. “Your parents…are your parents. You didn’t get to choose them. That doesn’t mean you don’t matter. Ben, you’re worthy as you are, and you don’t have to prove anything…to _anyone_.”

“Not even you?”

Rey paused. That one hurt.

Because he wasn’t wrong.

She had made him prove himself, over and over, held onto every negative thought and feeling she’d ever had about him for so long that she hadn’t ever really _seen_ him, not until the first night she’d spent in his room.

“I’m sorry, you know. For not ever giving you a chance. For believing all the bad things.”

“I didn’t exactly make a good first impression.”

“We were both stupid kids, Ben.”

He snorted. “And what are we now?”

“Stupid young adults, maybe? Anyway, you shouldn’t have said…well, a lot of the things you did. But I realize I had a part in that too. You and I, we could have been friends. _Should_ have. We can’t go back and change any of that, but I’d like to think we’ve moved past that, finally. I mean, we’re friends now.”

Something changed at her words, some new tension coming over him as his jaw clenched and his eyes darted away. “ _Friends._ Right.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?

“It means we’re not _friends_ , Rey. We can’t…I can’t be _friends_ with you.”

Her breath caught “I see.” She scrambled to the foot of the bed, flight instinct taking hold, every fiber of her being screaming that she run. She needed to be _away_.

“ _Shit!_ ”

She stumbled at bit, tripping over her knapsack which she’d made sure to move into his room first thing that morning to avoid a repeat of the previous night.

He caught her at the door, one hand holding it shut as he loomed over her, chest heaving and eyes a little wild. Rey stared up at him, feeling very much like prey to his predator. “Rey, God, I always fuck everything up, especially with you. I didn’t mean…I can’t…”

He groaned and leaned over, his forehead hitting the door with a thump. “You aren’t my friend Rey. You’re so much more,” he muttered against the door before taking a breath and straightening up, staring down at her from his full height. “You’re like this…light. You chase away the shadows and everything just makes more sense when you’re around. And someone like me doesn’t deserve—”

She cut him off, slapping a hand over his mouth. “Shut up, Solo, and cut the shite!” His eyes widened at her tone. “You’re going to listen to me _very_ carefully, yeah?” She waited for him to nod. “Good. _Someone like you_ deserves every good thing life can hand you.” She removed her hand from his mouth, making a fist in the material of his shirt and tugging him down until their faces were even. “They say the third time’s the charm, so you’re going to kiss me again, Solo. Right now. Because you’re so much more than just _my_ friend—”

Whatever else she was going to say was cut off in a squeak when he did as he was told. Eventually they managed to stumble back to the bed, all but collapsing on the mattress as their hands wandered. It was Ben who pulled away first, groaning as he rolled onto his back. She made a rather embarrassing whining noise and followed, throwing an arm and leg across him. He didn’t let her get any farther. “This…may be the dumbest thing I have ever said, but I think we need to stop.” She didn’t move away, couldn’t with the way his arms had locked around her. “There has been some heavy emotional shit-shoveling tonight and I don’t think either of us is thinking clearly.” Rey couldn’t really argue with any of that. Didn’t mean she didn’t want to but…she couldn’t, so she sighed and muttered her agreement before settling more comfortably against his chest.

She woke up in much the same position as usual, wrapped around Ben the next morning, both of them still fully clothed. She snuggled in closer, tightening her hold around him on purpose for once, and marveling at how it could feel the same and yet so very different, all at once. She knew when he woke up, felt the change as he tensed a bit, and she loosened her hold so he could turn and face her.

“Morning,” he mumbled, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

“No. Not ready, morning can wait,” she mumbled, making him laugh as she tucked herself in under his chin.

“Maybe, but my stomach can’t. Unlike some people, I skipped supper.”

She perked up at the idea of breakfast. “Oh, can we have pancakes?”

He shook his head and sat up. “Maybe. I think Hux did the shopping this week so we should have what we need, but you have to help.”

“Ha! Fat lot of good that will do you. I am a disaster in the kitchen!” She could hear him laughing at her as the bathroom door closed behind him and she settled into the warmth of his spot, grinning like a loon.

After she dropped an egg for the third time, Ben decided he didn’t want her help after all. “Go sit or get out of my kitchen, Andor,” he grumbled, gesturing with his spatula.

“I _warned_ you!”

“How was I supposed to know you weren’t exaggerating? I swear woman, I never would have believed it was that bad if I hadn’t seen it myself.”

Finn wandered into the kitchen. “Solo, did you try to get my sister to cook? Rey can’t boil water for pasta without setting off the smoke detector.”

“THAT WAS ONE TIME, FINN!”

“Twice, actually,” Armitage said, leading Rose in by the hand.

“The second time was for rice,” Finn said helpfully, grinning back when she shot him a death glare.

Hux looked at the counter and back to Rey. “How many eggs did you drop this time?”

“Three,” she mumbled, staring into her coffee cup as they all had a good chuckle at her expense. It was all meant in good-natured fun, she knew, and it didn’t even really upset her, but she still pouted a bit. The room went silent when Ben put a loaded plate in front of her and kissed her temple before returning to the stove for his own food. Rey leaned into it, not once considering pulling away or hiding it from her friends and family. She took a bite and looked up as she chewed, finding her brother staring open mouthed. Armitage was looking back and forth between Ben and Rey with a small, surprised (but pleased) smile of his own. Rose was practically vibrating with joy. Rey knew that look.

Uh oh.

Rey managed to cover her ears just as her tiny roommate erupted in high-pitched shrieking and bounced around the room, hugging Ben and then making her way over to Rey as she babbled. Rey felt her cheeks heating and tried to focus on her plate, thoroughly chewing every bite.

Poe entered the room as Ben sat down and Rose raced to catch him up on what they had all seen. “FUCKING FINALLY!” he yelled, dancing around the kitchen with Rose.

“You don’t get any pancakes, Dameron,” Ben muttered, cheeks and the tips of his ears a little pink.

Poe grabbed a strip of bacon, merrily crunching down and chewing with his mouth open. “You don’t mean that, and even if you do, WORTH IT! I have been waiting YEARS for this day, Solo. YEARS! PLURAL!”

Rey glanced up in surprise, but Poe didn’t seem to notice, too busy stealing more bacon and pouring an obscene amount of sugar in his coffee. Not even Rey used that much sugar. It was no wonder he was so hyper all the time.

They put up with all the good-natured ribbing long enough to finish breakfast before fleeing back to Ben’s room, Poe making kissing noises behind them until the door shut. Ben looked at her from where he was leaning against the door. “Ah, sorry. I clearly wasn’t thinking.”

“Don’t be. We don’t have any reason to be ashamed.” She paused, tilting her head as she stared up at him with a naughty grin. “Actually, maybe you should apologize,” she said, stretching up on her toes and pulling him down. He went willingly, and she hummed happily against his lips.

Rose was non-stop questions on the drive back to their campus, demanding details Rey didn’t even _have_ yet.

_Yet._

Oh, she wanted those details, though.

Not that she was going to share them when she did have them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Field Goal Series Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5QBpSHlGLMjmrIPtGizcHc?si=mF88uGWPRf-HeIO02Ff2Aw)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the anniversary of the accident approaches, Ben seems to be spiraling, and everyone's worried.
> 
> _“I know what day it is, Ben,” she whispered into his neck. “Did you really think I would let you spend tonight alone? That I wanted to be alone?”_
> 
> _“You’re not alone,” he mumbled into her hair._
> 
> _“And now neither are you.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See the tags. CW/TW for unplanned pregnancy, cheating/implied cheating, and mentions of vomiting/morning sickness.
> 
> And because it has come up, the non-con elements and choking/violence tags were from chapter 1 and references to things in Scrimmage that were mostly implied (I did try to keep those references vague) or happened "off screen."

If Rey thought she and Ben had talked often before, she was sorely mistaken. Phone calls increased from _almost_ daily to every day and sometimes twice. Silly emails went back and forth. She didn’t have an unlimited text plan, and her parents still paid the bill, so she still used her mobile only sparingly and Ben was respectful of that.

She definitely noticed the change as November progressed. He got quieter again, almost sullen. Armitage and Poe both reported he was increasingly short-tempered and had skipped his morning classes a couple of times.

Poe had quit the football team, so he wasn’t able to confirm her suspicions that it was more than the impending anniversary of Bazine’s death that was affecting Ben, but they all agreed Snoke and Tarkin were at least partially responsible.

She already had her bag packed and had notified her professors she wouldn’t be in class the next day due to a personal emergency when she got the call from Armitage. “He’s…it’s bad, Rey. He’s spiraling. He hasn’t come out of his room at all for at least two days and before that…well, it wasn’t pleasant.”

“I haven’t heard from him in three,” she said. “I should be there in a couple of hours.”

Usually Rose did the driving, but Rey didn’t mind it. She called Ben from the driveway, genuinely surprised when he actually answered. He sounded weary…defeated, almost. “Hey.” That was all, just the one word.

“You’ve had me worried,” she said, shouldering her bag and locking the driver’s side door. Her little beat up Ford actually had manual locks and windows, but it ran reliably and got decent gas mileage. She’d gladly let Finn take the SUV they and Hux had shared in high school, preferring the maneuverability of the smaller vehicle.

“Yeah, sorry,” he mumbled. “Just this time of year. It’s rough.”

“I know.” Armitage opened the door. “But you aren’t alone Ben. You need to let us be here for you.” She climbed the stairs, paused in front of his door to test the knob. Locked. “Open your door, Ben.”

“Why?”

“Just…please?” She knocked.

“Do you have somebody else on the line?”

He sounded angry. “Ben, I swear, it’s just me.” She knocked again. “Open your door, Ben.”

“Rey, wha—”

“Damn it, Solo, open the door!”

Her voiced echoed oddly in the hall and she could hear a clank of glass and then his heavy footsteps as he crossed the room and flung the door open. She barely had time to press the end call button before he was glaring down at her, expression slowly changing to shocked confusion, and finally a broken kind of relief. He looked at her, glanced down at the phone in his hand, and dropped it. Then his arms were around her, her feet off the floor as he backed into his room with her and slammed the door closed again.

“I know what day it is, Ben,” she whispered into his neck. “Did you really think I would let you spend tonight alone? That _I_ wanted to be alone?”

“You’re not alone,” he mumbled into her hair.

“And now neither are you.”

They lay together in his bed, Rey practically draped over him like a blanket. “It was my fault you know.”

She lifted her head, looking at him in confusion. “How could it be your fault, Ben? You were home sick.”

“That’s not…I mean…it’s still my fault. The reason she was so pissed off, that was all me. That stupid game of truth or dare.”

“You mean the night you kissed Poe?”

“Ah, yeah…I was the one who dared Poe and Kaydel to make out. Baz was furious. She was never like that about me but Kaydel…she was always fucking possessive of Kaydel. And I was pissed off about…something Baz said earlier that night. I knew how to push her buttons, knew Kay was buzzed enough to go along with it, and Poe was…well, he was Poe.” He shrugged, looked away as if too ashamed to meet her eyes. “She and Kaydel fought about that for _days_ , but it was _my_ fault, Rey. If I hadn’t given Kay that stupid dare, Baz _never_ would have gotten in Matt’s car. She couldn’t stand that asshole.”

“Ben, it is NOT your fault. It was an accident. Yeah, everyone made stupid choices, but you didn’t cause it.”

He shifted, rolling her to the side so he could sit up, then stood and started agitatedly pacing. “But I _did._ I started the fight, and I stayed home that night even though I was well enough I could have gone to the game even if I couldn’t play. But I was pissed at Baz, and she was pissed at _everyone_.” He ran a hand roughly through his hair. “I _knew_ what she was like when she got mad. I should have been there, should have _done_ something.” He paused, staring at Rey where she sat on the edge of his bed. “I break everything, Rey. Every good thing, I have to destroy it. All I do is damage everything, break everything I touch. I don’t _deserve_ anything good.” He practically collapsed to his knees in front of her, giving in to tears and years of guilt.

Rey ran her hands through his hair, murmured soothing nonsense, and waited. Once his breathing was calmer, she moved, urging him to lift his head, to look at her. “Ben. Ben please.” She placed her hands on either side of his face, thumbs swiping at the wet patches. “Ben, you didn’t cause anything. It was an _accident_. And you do deserve good things.” She leaned forward and kissed him. “You deserve all the good things. You deserve everything,” she whispered before kissing him again.

He let her pull him back onto the bed, breath coming in a shuddering sigh as she looked him in the eye and tugged her shirt over her head before leaning in to kiss him again. “Let me be one of the good things, Ben. _Please._ ”

It didn’t hurt. She’d always thought it would hurt, the first time, despite Rose’s assurances that it didn’t have to.

It wasn’t completely comfortable, but he was so careful with her, insisting she talk to him, tell him what was good and what wasn’t. And the things he _did_. She’d read romance novels, listened to other girls giggle and overshare, even let her curiosity get the best of her and checked out a few (utterly ridiculous) porn videos.

None of it had prepared her, and some part of her had the crazy thought that she had Bazine and Kaydel to thank for some of the absolutely amazing sensations. Maybe she could send Kaydel a fruit basket or something…especially for apparently teaching him that one thing he did with his tongue. She’d giggled when he told her that, and some part of her briefly wondered if she was supposed to be upset, but it wasn’t like she didn’t know about his past, and she _had_ asked where he had learned it.

Maybe she’d been a little surprised he’d actually _told_ her. But _she_ was the one who asked.

They spent most of Friday in his bed. He brought food up from the kitchen, sounding almost normal as he traded curses and barbs with his housemates.

On Saturday Rey decided he needed to get out of the house. There was no football game because of the weather, and while she didn’t really want to wander around in icy cold rain, she was adamant that Ben needed to get out. They ended up at the diner, where Rey found herself completely fascinated by the shape of his mouth and desperately wishing she hadn’t dragged him out in public after all.

It was hard to leave him on Sunday, but he seemed to be doing better, and neither of them could afford to miss their Monday classes. She managed to convince him to come home with her (well with Finn and Armitage) for Thanksgiving, after finding out his parents were out of the country and he was planning to stay at the house alone.

She had a moment of panic in the car as she realized she was bringing him home for a family holiday. As her boyfriend (and wasn’t that a ridiculous word for it). She had to fight off a rather disturbing mental image of her parents interrogating and intimidating him.

Maybe she wouldn’t tell them yet.

No, no, that wouldn’t be right. She wasn’t ashamed, and she wanted Ben to have a decent family holiday for once.

She called her mum Monday night, telling her to add an extra place setting. She _may_ have neglected to mention for whom, giving in to her fear at the last moment.

She shouldn’t have been afraid. Cassian and Jyn welcomed Ben with open arms, treating him like family, just as they did with Poe when he dropped by and he and Finn officially announced they were a couple. Cassian had calmly said “Yes, we know,” while Jyn rolled her eyes and told Finn to help Rey set the table. It was eerily similar to their reaction to Ben’s arrival and the news that he and Rey were together.

Rose hadn’t been able to join them due to family commitments, but she was planning to come for a visit at Christmas. She’d been there before, but this would be her first visit as Armitage’s girlfriend and not just Rey’s roommate.

The weeks between Thanksgiving and winter break were a blur of term papers, revision, and final exams. She and Rose didn’t manage to go visit again but there didn’t seem to be a spare moment where they were both awake and at least one of them wasn’t on the phone. Ben seemed quiet again, but Armitage kept an eye out for him. He tried to reassure her that it just seemed to be end of term stress and nothing more, but even he didn’t seem convinced.

The day they started break, Rey and Rose made sure their refrigerator was cleared out (the power would be off during the break), hugged, and headed to their cars. Rose would be coming after Christmas and staying through the New Year. It was late afternoon by the time they left, both having just the luck of a noon exam for their last finals.

By the time she finished the three-hour drive (well, four, thanks to the increased traffic so near the holidays) Rey was exhausted. She barely managed half her dinner before dragging herself up the stairs and collapsing. She didn’t wake up until after eleven, when Jyn knocked and came in to check on her. “I worry about you, my darling girl. You always push yourself too hard, especially at the end of the semester.” Rey shrugged, unable to deny it.

“I saved you some breakfast.”

Rey made a face. The idea of food was unappealing. “Maybe later.”

“Exactly what I mean. You’ve let yourself run down to the point that you don’t even want waffles.”

Rey perked up then. Whatever her father’s secret ingredient was had made his waffles Rey’s absolute favorite food (although Ben’s pancakes were a close second). “With strawberries?” she asked hopefully as her mother laughed and pushed a lock of hair out of Rey’s eyes.

“Yes, your father threatened the boys’ lives—and manhood—if they dared touch your strawberries.”

After an early lunch of waffles with strawberries and whipped cream, she couldn’t wait any longer to see Ben. She decided to surprise him, knowing his parents wouldn’t be in town for another two days. He was probably lonely. She let her parents know where she was going, assured them she had her phone, and made the drive with a light heart.

There was a second car in the pool house drive, beside Ben’s Jeep. It was vaguely familiar, maybe someone from high school. She felt a little guilty then, about not calling, but told herself she was being silly. She grabbed the bag of snacks Cassian had shoved into her hands and got out of the car, just in time to see the door open and Ben step out with a familiar blonde woman.

Kaydel?

What was she doing at Ben’s? Rey hadn’t even realized they were still in touch. She hadn’t heard from Kaydel in a few months herself.

She started to call out, realizing they hadn’t seen her parked on the far side of the Jeep and what she realized was the car Kaydel’s parents had bought her (second hand) after graduation. The greeting died on her lips as Ben pulled Kaydel into his arms and leaned in as if to kiss her. The bag of holiday treats hit the pavement with an echoing crash. There must have been a biscuit tin in the bottom. It was loud enough to get their attention and they jerked apart, looking her way. Rey fumbled with her keys, getting them into the ignition and starting the engine before Ben reached her, tugging on the door handle and calling her name.

“Open the door, Rey. Whatever you think you saw, that’s not what’s happening.”

She swiped angrily at her eyes.

“Rey, you don’t have to talk to me, but you can’t drive like this. It’s not safe.”

Damn it, why did he have to be so _logical_? She turned the key again and removed it from the ignition, reluctantly unlocking her door.

“Will you come inside, please? It’s cold out here.” She nodded, not trusting herself to speak, and followed him to the door, dimly registering that Kaydel was trailing behind them. She sat on the couch, staring at her feet. Ben knelt in front of her. “Rey, please, look at me.” She turned her head away, but that just meant she caught Kaydel’s pleading gaze.

“I know that didn’t exactly look good, but I swear, me, still gay.” Rey made a sound that was almost a laugh. “I did spend the night,” Kaydel continued, “But your boyfriend here slept on the couch. Congratulations on that by the way, it’s about fucking time.”

Rey did laugh that time. “That’s what Poe said.”

“I came over last night to bring something. I found…I found some letters Baz wrote. She hid them, tucked them in the frame behind our prom pictures. I only found them the other night because my frame got broken and I finally got around to replacing it. There was one for me, and one for Ben. I was so upset I couldn’t…I didn’t really think about it I just drove over here. The big softie there wouldn’t let me leave because I was too upset and too tired.”

“That…ah, that does sound like him,” Rey said, finally looking at Ben. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I reacted like that.”

“It’s okay. I know it looked bad, and I haven’t exactly given you lots of reasons to trust me… _yet._ ” She opened her mouth to argue but Kaydel interrupted.

“And on that note, I am going to leave the two of you alone,” Kaydel said. Rey walked her out, returning her hug. “I’ve missed you, Rey,” Kaydel whispered. “I know it’s my fault, I stopped reaching out, and I swear I’ll do better.” She glanced over Rey’s shoulder. “Hang on to him. Fight if you have to, even if he’s the one you’re fighting against. It’s what Baz wanted.” And with that confusing comment Kaydel kissed her cheek with a loud smack and waved over her shoulder as she walked away and climbed into her car.

The rest of the holiday break seemed to fly by, split between napping, eating, lots of family time, and any free time left spent with Ben. He even came over Christmas Day, and invited Rey (along with Armitage, Rose, Finn, and Poe) to his for New Year’s Eve. Quietly, he admitted to Rey that it was the only way he could think of to get out of attending his mother’s party. She’d laughed and agreed then that it seemed like a wise move.

Once classes resumed and winter weather truly set in, visiting between campuses was easier because Ben was no longer committed to practices and football games, and yet more difficult thanks to the arrival of record snow fall. The weekends the roads were clear they traveled back and forth as often as possible, sometimes Ben coming to stay with Rey and Rose going to visit Armitage or vice versa, sometimes the “usual” option of Rose and Rey making the trek to the First Order house. Occasionally papers or revision interfered, but that was the risk of long-distance dating while attending different universities. Ben slowly got moody and quiet again, the dark circles under his eyes nearly constant.

And he wouldn’t talk to her.

Their phone calls got shorter and shorter, and eventually Rey couldn’t stand it anymore. She waited until they had a weekend together and confronted him. “Have I done something? Are you upset or regretting being with me?”

“What? No. Don’t be ridiculous, Rey. I’m just…I guess it’s just burn out. I overloaded my schedule this semester, trying to make up for that fluff crap Tarkin made me take in the fall.”

Rey felt like he was holding something back, not telling her something, but she didn’t push any harder. After all, he _did_ seem exhausted. “Well, let’s get you to bed, then. Can’t have you getting sick.” His hands didn’t wander, and he didn’t even kiss her goodnight before turning to face the wall in her narrow dorm bed. She tried not to let it bother her, but a little voice inside her insisted something was very wrong with Ben Solo.

Rey had to skip the next Friday night party, having come down with some sort of stomach bug. She insisted Rose go, though. “Really, it’s probably just a bit of food poisoning from the caf.” Rose seemed doubtful but eventually relented. Rey only had one class on Fridays that semester, at 1:00 (Rose had classes at 10 and 11 and was done by 12). By that point Rey was feeling better and actually went to class, certain she had been right and some of the cafeteria food had disagreed with her. She was exhausted by the time she got out, though, and allowed herself an afternoon nap, rationalizing that being ill that morning was the reason she was so worn out.

Rose came back earlier than usual on Sunday, and she seemed really upset about something. As soon as she saw Rey she burst into angry tears (yes, Rose cried when angry, and yes Rey had learned how to tell Rose’s angry tears from sad ones—Rose was not one to hold back from expressing her emotions). “Rose? Are you…is everything okay?”

“No. No Rey, it’s really fucking not, and I can’t even…GAH!” Rose stamped her food and yelled a few more times, prompting someone on the hall to yell back.

“Rey I…I am so sorry, and I swear if you want me to I will kill Ben _fucking_ Solo with his own shoestrings…”

“What are you talking about?” That panicky dread she’d been fighting off and on for weeks came back with a vengeance.

“Rey, sweetie, I need you to sit down for this, and know that I SO don’t want to tell you but I feel like I have to…Rey, I am pretty sure Ben’s cheating.”

Rey laughed. “Oh that’s a good one! You had me going there.”

Rose wasn’t laughing. She just stood there, her expression and mix of anger and sadness as she looked at Rey. “Sweetie, I’m serious. He…that brunette bitch was there Friday night.”

“Yeah, well, she shows up all the time.”

“She didn’t leave until this morning Rey. I ran into her—literally—coming out of his room this morning.”

Rey made it as far as her trash can before she vomited.

Armitage and Poe confirmed it. They’d seen the brunette Friday night too, although they hadn’t known she was still in the house until Rose started screaming profanities at her Sunday morning.

Rey ignored the phone calls.

She didn’t answer the text messages, except to remind him her parents had to pay extra for those.

When he tried emailing, begging her to talk to him, she replied that they had nothing left to talk about.

It was all she could do to drag herself to classes. She barely ate, so heartbroken she couldn’t seem to keep anything down anyway. And she was always so tired…logically she knew depression could do that and she was certainly depressed.

It was Armitage who realized the truth first, and he was the one who pointed out that she may have one thing to talk to Ben about after all. One tiny little thing that was getting steadily bigger. No matter how angry and hurt she might be, Ben had a right to know.

It took planning, and time, and she debated back and forth about it before finally telling Finn and Poe, realizing she might need their support if she was actually going to get through telling Ben Solo she was carrying his child.

Finn’s first question was, predictably, “Have you told Mum and Dad?”

Of course she hadn’t, not yet. Telling Ben was going to be difficult enough.

She settled on a Saturday morning. Armitage and Poe said they hadn’t seen the brunette around lately but who knew, maybe Rey would get lucky and she would be there when Rey dropped her bombshell. She spent the night with Rose in Armitage’s bed, and he slept on the floor. Rey had put in an appearance at the party the night before, wearing what was probably the most daring dress she had ever put on (Rose’s doing, that). Ben had taken one look at her stomped up the stairs, hands fisted and jaw clenched. The sound of his door slamming echoed louder than the music.

No brunette. Oh well. Maybe Rose wouldn’t get to punch her after all. Pity, Rey would have enjoyed seeing that.

She was up early on Saturday, and the first thing she did after dressing in jeans she would soon no longer be able to button and a comfy jumper was cross the hall and knock on Ben’s door. It swung open with a groan and Rey gasped, freezing in shock at the condition of the room. Nothing. There was nothing left of him. The standard issue furniture remained, but any sign he’d ever been there was gone.

She heard Armitage’s door click open behind her.

“Rey?”

She couldn’t answer Rose, couldn’t look away. She clung to the door frame as her blood rushed in her ears. “I think I’m going to faint,” she whispered, just before her knees gave out.

She didn’t actually lose consciousness, although she _did_ scare the hell out of Rose, whose screaming brought the entire house running. One of the seniors Rey didn’t really know said something about Ben turning in his keys the day before, and that he was probably “at the Knights’ bonfire” which made no sense at all. What knights? And who had a bonfire first thing in the morning?

Poe seemed to understand it though, and he cursed repeatedly as he helped Rey out to his truck, muttering that they “might still have time to stop the idiot.”

“What the hell, Poe? WHAT is going on?”

He said one word, and it made her blood go cold. “Snoke.”

“What?” It was barely a whisper, and she wasn’t sure if he actually heard her or was just explaining anyway.

“I think he got to Ben, finally. Solo’s been on a self-destructive kick lately, even before Rose caught that bitch coming out of his room. Not sleeping, eating the kind of shitty junk food _I_ eat,” he paused and licked his lips nervously. “I’m pretty sure he’s been drinking, like, a lot, and possibly on something else… and the things he’s been saying…damn it, I knew it sounded familiar, but I couldn’t place it. He’s basically been repeating every negative thing Tarkin or Snoke have been spouting for months.”

Poe slowed the truck to a stop near the football field. Sure enough there was a fire merrily blazing away, and a small group of people huddled around it, cheers going up as someone stepped forward and tossed something into the fire. Rey wasn’t sure what, she wasn’t close enough yet to see.

“Let the past die!” Snoke called out.

“Kill it if you have to,” the group chanted in reply, another young man stepping forward and tossing two shirts and a potted plant into the fire. As the cheers went up again, he turned and climbed the steps into a waiting bus with “Knights of Ren” emblazoned on the side.

She saw him then, Ben, with a pile of things at his feet. She shrieked his name before she could stop herself. He jerked as if he’d been struck, turning. “SOLO!” Snoke barked, demanding his attention. “Let the past die,” he hissed again. Ben looked at Rey, panting for breath as she reached the other side of the fire. “Kill it if you have to,” Ben muttered, bending down to pick up the pile at his feet, tossing four pillows and a framed photograph into the flames.

Snoke stood by the doors of the bus, a sickening smile tugging at the scars on his face. “Gentlemen, our final member, your Captain, Kylo Ren!” Cheers roared out from the bus as Ben mounted the steps, never looking back.

Snoke didn’t take his eyes off of Rey. “Ben Solo has left the building.”

The man climbed onto the bus himself, and Rey watched through her tears as it pulled away.

His voicemail was full.

Text messages went unanswered.

Emails bounced back with a message that the user did not exist.

Rey resorted to actual hand-written letters, but they were returned unopened.

Jyn and Cassian handled the news far more calmly than she had expected they would. They didn't handle it calmly, just _more_ calmly than Rey had expected. Cassian made some colorful threats when Rey admitted Ben seemed to be ignoring her, and Jyn was frighteningly quiet.

With Rey’s permission, they engaged an attorney for help in contacting Ben, just to notify him.

“I don’t want anything from him,” Rey insisted.

“Now, Ms. Andor—”

“ _Erso_ -Andor,” Rey said automatically, before gasping and crumpling in tears. She accepted the proffered tissues and took a moment to get herself together.

“Yes, of course, Ms. Erso-Andor, I really advise you to pursue the appropriate amounts of support. You must realize that if you do intend to become a teacher, your income will be, well, minimal for several years.”

Rey was adamant in her refusal. “I don’t _need_ his money. I have a sizable trust from my grandfather. I just…want him to know.”

The woman gazed steadily at her and eventually gave her a nod. “Very well.”

Rey thanked her, accepted her handshake, and left the office.

This wasn’t the life she had planned, but her baby was going to know love from day one. And if Ben Solo never acknowledged his child, Rey was still going to do all in her power to ensure her baby _never_ took the blame for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, again? Ben has to hit his rock bottom, apparently...and yes, it was always going to go this way. Just like with Baz in Scrimmage, something bad was going to happen...hopefully the tags and the title being "Fumble" were a hint to that. Maybe?
> 
> Just keep in mind, strangling the author means Ben and Rey won't get a chance to make up and try for a happy ending.
> 
> [Field Goal Series Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5QBpSHlGLMjmrIPtGizcHc?si=mF88uGWPRf-HeIO02Ff2Aw)

**Author's Note:**

> [Field Goal Series Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5QBpSHlGLMjmrIPtGizcHc?si=mF88uGWPRf-HeIO02Ff2Aw)
> 
> Tracks 11-20 (well, 10-20, 10 is a transitional track) are specific to Fumble. The remaining songs may have some spoilers for the final story Homecoming.
> 
> The entire series is heavily influenced and inspired by music.


End file.
